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Welcome To The United States – Please Assume Total Ignorance

(Otherwise you will get caught out by the anti-capitalist security guard and it will be embarrassing)

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“It’s just a bit of fun, madame.” Eurostar needs to confront thuggish behaviour on its trains

Dear Eurostar,

When I flew to Florida last year, someone laughed loudly on the plane and called out something like: “Oi, Steve!” across the aisle. Everyone looked round. The air hostess looked shocked and told them to be quiet. He wasn’t served another drink during the flight.

That “incident” was absolutely nothing compared to the din and racket I had to endure on the two hour Eurostar 19:52 journey from Brussels to London last night. A group of men in sport shirts got drunk in the bar, separate to the passenger carriages and next to mine, and proceeded to sing and shout loudly for most of the journey. They were also dancing around the carriage, making it difficult for people to pass, and making comments as passengers went by. Nobody said anything to them. They could do whatever they wanted.

All the passengers in my carriage looked around to see where the noise was coming from. Nobody looked pleased to listen to it. Especially not the mother who had just got her two year old boy to sleep. Not the young woman near me who almost seemed nervous. And not even a couple of middle aged men who muttered to themselves.

But the worst part of it was the reaction by the staff. I approached a female member of staff on the platform at St Pancras, the same woman who had been tallying up the till in the bar, and asked her why nobody had asked them to be quiet. I was amazed that she instantly went on the defensive.

“They were doing nothing wrong, madame,” she said. “The bar is separate to the carriage so we can’t do anything.”

Meanwhile the same group of men were heading to the end of the platform and they were being louder than ever, their songs echoing around the station.

“But you were in there too,” I pressed her. “Did you like being in there with them?”

“They were just having fun in the bar,” she replied. “There is nothing we can do. We are used to it.”

“But being used to it doesn’t make it OK,” I said.

“They weren’t being rude or disrespectful, madame,” she said.

I told her to have a good evening but my blood was boiling. It seemed to escape her notice that I told her explicitly, as a paying customer, that I had been irritated and uncomfortable – yet she told me the men were not being disrespectful or bothering anyone.

I feel really annoyed by the injustice of it. Why am I paying over £100 to listen to people acting like hooligans for two hours when this behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated on a plane or on most other forms of public transport?

People might say that to complain about it is tantamount to being a prude, having a rant, acting middle-aged, being a party pooper or self-righteous. And it’s this attitude that I meet again and again, not just on trains but in everyday life, that if something is brushed off as a bit of fun or a joke then it doesn’t matter, even if it can be seen as rude, disrespectful or even intimidating.

It is not illegal to laugh and sing and have fun at the bar. It’s also not Eurostar staff’s job to ban alcohol or police people who are sport fans. But it is Eurostar’s job to demand these people to have respect for their fellow passengers and keep noise to a certain level, especially when there are women and children around. If staff don’t tell them to be quiet, then I feel I have to do it, and why on earth would I want to tell off a bunch of loud, drunk, adult men?

It is Eurostar’s job to limit the sale of drink, as in any normal bar, to confront this kind of unattractive and frankly thuggish behaviour and to not make passengers feel that they are being spoil sports for not joining in.

The Sun’s Page 3 Is Back: A Weird, Perverted PR Stunt


I feel cheated, fooled, embarrassed and disgusted. Dylan Sharpe, you have a lot to answer for


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Why You Should Vote No To Scottish Independence

It isn’t broken so what are you trying to fix?

First published here


“Look at all these jobs we have created,” Alex Salmond said, splaying his hands far and wide across the Amazon call centre at Waverley Gate in Edinburgh.

Viewers of the BBC 6 o’clock news in November 2011 would have been greeted with an image of an open-plan office; a sea of heads, computer screens and headsets, answering Christmas calls and diligently replying to emails. Here was the workforce, working hard.

It looked good. It seemed good. First minister Alex Salmond had persuaded the giant online retailer to set up shop in Scotland’s capital city and my hometown – one of the greatest coups of his term as first minister so far – instead, I guess, of relinquishing the employer to Slough or some industrial park down South. Since opening in Edinburgh earlier that year, Amazon had worked its way up to employ around 1,000 people in its call centre alone in time for the Christmas peak season.

I was one of the first intakes at Amazon in October 2011, where I worked for three months until mid-January 2012 when I left to do a journalism course in London. Turns out I was in the nick of time. Around half of my colleagues were to follow me out the door just two weeks later, despite being desperate for a permanent contract. Many of them had families to support and mortgages to pay, had commuted in from Fife or further afield every day through a freezing winter, and would once again return to the temp agency wheel of fortune, hoping their next job would last a bit longer.

I was sitting nearby when Alex Salmond came to visit us that day, and he wasn’t happy with the first take to camera. “Let’s do that again,” he said abruptly to the cameraman.

Little did I know Salmond was cooking up a referendum on independence. I went back to talking to an angry customer in Falkirk, whose expensive Christmas presents had been chucked over a hedge by the delivery man.

The point here isn’t to state my dislike of Salmond, or to argue that Amazon employing people is a bad thing. But at the same time, don’t forget the other people I got to know who were mystifyingly not awarded permanent contracts, even though they were probably harder working, better at their jobs than me and more in need of the money.

My point is that, like Christmas workers, the Alex Salmonds of this world will come and go. In the meantime, they can twist and turn the stats to make anything turn in their favour.

I’m not qualified to talk about Trident, what makes us Scottish or British, or whether 16-year-olds should have the power to vote. I will stick to what I know – or at least claim to know best in this debate – and that’s the economy and how we are stronger together.

Let’s re-wind six Christmases. Everything was in a mess. I couldn’t even get a store card from TopShop. But for others, it was a much harsher reality. My friends’ parents went out of business, some of my friends and family were struggling for work; and our neighbours’ houses sat, stagnant, on the market – for months, years.

Today, the UK is the strongest performing economy in the G7 – ahead of the U.S., ahead of Germany, ahead of any other major developed nation in the world. Our house prices have risen again. Unemployment has fallen so fast that the Bank of England had to backtrack on using it as a benchmark to raising interest rates. Consumer spending has kept our economy afloat.

There are further positive signs for the UK. We have positive inflation that is relatively close to target, while prices in the eurozone are falling and heading to deflation. We may be the first developed nation to raise interest rates this year or in spring as we return to normal monetary conditions, rather than cut them to negative rates like in continental Europe to try and kick-start their economy.

Better Together is part of the reason for that, as well as our position in Europe. The UK has, rather amazingly, emerged from the credit crunch relatively unscathed, compared to other countries in Europe. Ireland is awash with half-finished, unused and wasted properties that it built in the boom and failed to sell in the crash. Greece, Spain and Italy still have staggeringly high youth unemployment at up to 56 percent, according to Eurostat. Greece went amok at the devastating austerity cuts imposed by its government after decades of lazy bureaucracy and corruption. And Cypriots were queuing around the block to get to the cashpoint in 2012 when they thought their country was going to be bailed out.

Ireland, Greece and Portugal were given massive loans to tide them over, thanks to being part of the European Union. Yes, they had to accept harsh austerity measures to repay their debt. Those were not good times. But who knows what the alternative would have been?

Things have been a whole lot better in the UK – despite spending cuts which have hit some of us really hard.

In the meantime, we’ve been putting our public voice to good use: we’ve wrangled over whether we want to live next door to Romanians due to UKIP’s Nazi-style open letters in the newspapers and its threats of “diseased” gypsies, we argue whether the benefit system is being abused, and we watch reality show Benefits Street and scream “I told you so!” We are always, always looking for a scapegoat for our problems.

The truth is that most of us are in work. Most of us get NHS treatment if we need it. And in Scotland, we get free prescriptions, free education, free bus passes for the elderly, we are over represented in Westminster – we even brought in the smoking ban a year before England – and we decorated our new Parliament building with hundreds of tiny Highland cows.

Scottish socialist politician Tommy Sheridan screams passionately on the Sunday Politics Scotland show about a free Scotland – but much of our budget is already in our own hands. It is not perfect now, it will not be perfect in 2016. We make decisions, for example, how to spend our NHS budget, yet Scotland is known as the sick man of Europe.

Do you think an independent Scotland means a “free” Scotland? We might be free (for a while) of the “effin Tories” as Cameron put it last week, but we won’t be free of demanding shareholders and corporations acting in their own interests and overseas buyers pushing up house prices.

An independent Scotland won’t be free from international businessmen like Donald Trump who bulldozed down the sand dunes of Aberdeen, forced people out of their homes, built massive golf courses and resorts during a recession and campaigned against renewable energy in local papers. [Watch the documentary You’ve Been Trumped].

We won’t be free of large companies who set up shop in the Channel Islands and escape corporation tax.

We won’t be free of our reliance on oil.

We won’t be free of our dependence on a stable currency – if it depreciates, that hurts our exporters, and the pound has already fallen around four percent versus the U.S. dollar since the infamous YouGov poll last Sunday showed the separatists striking ahead.

We won’t be free of politicians and their whims; we won’t magically reduce Scotland’s deficit (how much it spends compared to how much it earns) of £13.6 billion – 10.6 per cent of GDP – “including a per capita share of North Sea revenue”, it says on the Scottish government website, which is higher than the UK as a whole.

And we won’t lure the great powers of the world like China to become our favoured trading partners just because we welcomed their pandas into Edinburgh Zoo.

We might be free of UKIP – that is, of course, until our own right-wing thugs and scaremongerers raise their heads for attention, sniffing an opportunity when something goes wrong and the public is again looking for someone to blame.

No, in my view we have never been hamstrung or imprisoned by England and Westminster, despite the long-running complaints about the poll tax and a conservative government that we “didn’t vote for”. Rather, thanks to Westminster, we kept the pound and didn’t go under with the euro (which Salmond reportedly wanted), instead we were buoyed by our relationship with Europe and the UK as a whole to come through the biggest recession since the 1930s.

It is because we are part of the UK that we can try to move past the credit crunch, and become optimistic about the future, and save for that mortgage for first time homebuyers, or apply for that job.

Salmond is shoving me out the door with one hand and waving to the BBC 6 o’clock news cameraman with the other. And I don’t want any part of my future – this Christmas or the next – depending on his or on any separatist’s version of a permanent contract.

This is my opinion and does not represent the employees of Please get in touch at


Why You Should Never Pay £65 For A Shrink Wrap

They say that every so often, you will have an epiphany. For me, that was while I was a prisoner wrapped in industrial strength cling film, slowly choking under a white duvet.

Sandra had promised me 8 inches of fat loss at my shrink wrap.

“It will come off your legs, your hips, your waist, and your arms,” she said, pencil and clipboard at the ready.

“How does it work though?” I asked doubtfully as she took my measurements. “Do you just lose water weight?”

The beauty therapist squeezed my hand and smiled.

“Trust me,” she said.

She told me to undress and revealed a roll of what looked like Tesco’s 99p sandwich wrapping, but what turned out to be a plastic sheet that was wound round and round the top of your chest, your arms, and all the way down to your ankles, until you could barely breathe.

“Can you walk over to the bed?” she asked.

I snorted with laughter, and to my horror, so did she.

Are you kidding me.

I shuffled over to the operating table, like a mummified version of John Wayne, my arms and legs at awkward triangles. I turned so my back was towards the bed and fell onto it with a loud CRUNCH.

The beauty therapist was struggling to keep a straight face.

“Just relax,” she said, her lips quivering.

I cringed at what must have been her bird’s eye view – a pasty young woman with a spoonful of spare beef, slowly cooking in plastic like a giant laminated hotdog.

I didn’t / couldn’t move a muscle. She lifted up a white duvet and spread it over me, and a little bit of the duvet fell over the table next to me and the plastic candle lights, so that I was illuminated from underneath like an overheated igloo.

The basement room was narrow, there were two white-painted bars on the window, and the operating table I was lying on was squeaking a little on its wheels.

“When are you coming back?” I choked.

“Just relax,” she said, not facing me.

“How long?”

“I’ll be back in about an hour,” she replied, and made a quick exit.

The blonde-haired beauty therapist was not a good liar. She was never coming back for me. When she did a few days later, I’d have long since fallen into a coma from the lack of oxygen and the relaxing background sounds of the rainforest. I’d most likely be dead and wasted away, and she would note down on her chart “8 inches of fat loss”. The flickering plastic candles would be low on battery as she started clearing up my decomposing body in time for the next customer’s treatment.

What a stupid decision. I must be a stupid person. This is why I’m not saving money, or building a pension pot – I’m a stupid, mindless moron, going for treatments, lapping up two for one vouchers and keeping the economy afloat via consumer spending. But not even the cast of Made in Chelsea would subject themselves to this.

My chest was constricting. Was this what a panic attack felt like? I couldn’t move my arms or my legs, I could only twitch my fingers and move my head from side to side. The operating table bed rocked uncertainly on its tiny plastic wheels.

I had been strapped in for an hour by now, surely.

I wanted to call out for the therapist – let me live again, Sandra!

She came back in, with my friend Jess in tow.

“Don’t do it Jess!” I cried. “I know we bought a two for one voucher but it’s not too late.”

Sandra sniggered while she unrolled the second batch of cling film and raised the scissors.

A few minutes later Jess and I were lying side by side, staring at the ceiling rather than each other, the odd nervous giggle failing to mask the awkwardness of our mutual mistake.

I realised, far too late of course, that a shrink wrap is a con. A self-respecting woman should never have a shrink wrap. But if you happen to purchase one of those pulsing, electric belts to tone your stomach muscles, I bet that would actually be quite good.

As Sandra unwrapped the plastic and I breathed my first gulp of air an hour later, vowing to use tin foil for my sandwiches from now on, Sandra diligently measured each part of my oily body and made a note in the chart.

She totted up: 0.5 inches, 0.5 inches, and 0.5 inches, – and she looked up at me and smiled.

“8 inches,” she said.

“OK,” I replied.

Surely that meant I could order the blue-cheese burger with caramelised onions and sweet potato fries for dinner.

Sandra discharged me and I slipped and slid back into my clothes, oil dripping on the laminated floor.

“Don’t leave me,” whispered Jess. She still had 20 minutes to go.

I’d been through hell and back, and I felt resentment. This was her idea, after all, the voucher and the solitary confinement and everything.

I turned around, my damp oily hair shining in the light and my eyes glinting, and I rocked her bed back and forth on its wheels – just a little bit.

“Just relax,” I told her, and flung open the door.







Marc, You Have Had Your Fun. Now Stop It.

There are too many salads at M&S.


Indeed, I defy anyone to go into a (large) M&S and pick a sandwich and/or salad without questioning whether chief Marc Bolland has gone completely nuts.

“Ok, ok, quit harassing me Steve [Rowe, executive director, food]!” Marc cries at board meetings. “If you really want to add another five salads, and offer the consumer even more choice, we will do it!”

Well Marc, let me fill you in with my stress over fillings.

It’s Monday. As per usual, I’ve forgotten my packed lunch, and I’m pressed for time. I hurry along the road, into M&S, down the escalator and am confronted with a massive wall of salads in plastic pots.

There are the big, mayonnaise-y type salads, the always dry-looking tuna nicoise salads, some crazy new wholefood superfood nutty salad, and most of them come with pomegranate. There are hundreds more I can’t mention here.

Ok, one step at a time. I like to work by process of elimination to narrow my choice and thereby translate my efficiency in the office to being efficient in M&S.

  • I instantly dismiss the layered three cheese “salad”.
  • It’s not too hard to move past the old honey chicken and mustard pasta salad, or that deceptively tiny sundried tomato and feta cheese pasta salad. Here today, still here tomorrow. I think they’ve been there since about 2006 and I’m over it.
  • Falafel! I never buy it – too much humus, too little of anything else – but for some reason it will always be a possibility.

I step back to survey the selection once more, while those around me tut in irritation. Yes, I took a plunge, I made a mistake – and now I am paying for my idiocy.

Oh, get out of my way, office person, with your stupid shopping basket with one apple in it. You have too much time on your hands.

It is like an overcrowded aquarium in here. We are moving slowly together, all fascinated by the shiny and strange sea of plastic, all wanting to touch and sniff, before being battered by an onslaught of equally hungry tourists.

No, scrap the aquarium. This is like a conveyor belt or a ski lift – you battle to hop on, but once you are on, you have no choice but to travel another circuit before reaching the Waldorf salad.

I am irritated now. It’s taken me almost ten minutes to get here, it will take almost ten minutes to get back, and I’ve not even eaten a crumb yet. I’ve wasted a third of my precious lunch hour with these shopping basket nincompoops, who are even worse than me at choosing a meal.

Time to concentrate and get the hell out of here, I think, as I’m forcefully nudged round to the next aisle.

I manage to pick up a new salad in each hand – one is buckwheat, goat cheese, blueberry and quinoa. The other is quinoa, beetroot, feta cheese and buckwheat.


My vision is blurring and my mind is whirring as I play spot the difference. I am wasting my life analysing salads, and I would much rather have a bagel.

The office worker with the apple in his basket is back. He looks like he’s concentrating very hard through his glasses, in a rush to get back, with, ideally, a salad.

We are all in a mild state of panic and regret. Marc Bolland, look what you have done to us.

I leave the shop, sustainable tuna sandwich in hand, and feel very disappointed with life, with myself, and with the lingering temptation to dash back in for a cookie.







Online Dating: Can You Describe Yourself In One Word?

Adventurer, free thinker, party animal, crafty. Treehugger. Princess. Poet. Professional. Music Snob. Nightowl. Animal Lover. Beach Bum. Gamer. Hedonist. Maker. Intellectual. Yuppee. Yogi. Tattood.

All interesting choices.

As I scroll down the long, long list of options to ‘describe myself’ on a dating website – let’s call it “plenty of crabs in the capital” – I discover the list is severely limited.

There is nothing on here about cynicism, sarcasm, brutal honesty, self-loathing or scrubs up nicely. Kind of amusing, vaguely talented, does alright for herself when she puts her mind to it. Eats too much cheese.

Sum yourself up in one word.

Bookworm. Brogrammer. Chef.

Party animal versus wallflower. Hmm. Depends how drunk I am, how good looking the boys are, whether I remembered my sleeping bag.

It’s never one word, though, is it? Even at corporate icebreaker events, they give you at least three words. Five words makes a sentence, complete with verb. You can show off, then.

What about this: “coffee snob”.

I press “submit” and “save changes” to my profile.

Perfect. It makes me sound like I’m too good for this online stuff. It makes me sound haughty, like I have an angular chin, and morals, and that I read the Daily Telegraph.

It makes me sound like I’m a yuppie-wannabe and I use hashtags – only in an ironic way, of course. I might be in the lower tax bracket but I have aspirations. I eat at stylish chain restaurants, like Bill’s and Wahacas.


I look down at my polystyrene Costa Coffee cup. The white plastic is stained from my dribbling.

Oh dear. I’m not fooling anyone. I pick up my soya latte and slurp continuously.

You see, there is no word here to sum me up. Yes, I am unique! I am!

I have hugged a tree, but only once, when I got a Groupon voucher for a combat class and that was how we relaxed at the end. I’d love to describe myself a starving artist but I definitely have a bit of spare beef. And despite being extremely picky, I’m not a vegetarian.

The coffee is cold. But I still drink, determined to digest my £2.35 worth. If I saved £2.35 every day, I could go to Vietnam for three months and discover myself properly, because I only half-discovered myself after that long weekend in Leeds.

I need to get this right. Otherwise I’ll never go on a date ever again. Apparently ‘everyone’ is on here, and thankfully I’ve bumped into no one.

I wonder how they’ve described themselves?

My coffee breath is rank. The alpro soya milk is curdling in my stomach. I’m kind of nervous, and my hand shakes.

I decide against “coffee snob”; I scroll down, I press ‘rock star’.

It shows I have a sense of humour.


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